Dating 101

Sunday marked the 3-year anniversary of the day I filed for divorce. In those 3 years I have grown tremendously; I completed a master’s degree and began a career in my chosen field, all while single handedly caring for two young children.  I have no family in this area and very little support. When I need a break I have to hire a babysitter, which is an extravagance that I can’t afford very often.

As a result of this, my dating life has been non-existent.  For most of the past 3 years dating has been the last thing on my mind. I’ve been busy and tired. Far too many other things were going on for me to even think about dating or the fact that I was lonely. Now that the pace of my life has slowed down a bit, I have realized that having someone to share things with would be nice. I miss being in a relationship, and I’d like to be in one again.

I got married when I was 22. I met my ex when I was in college. I have never dated as an adult. I don’t know the first thing about dating or about dating as a single mom.

While looking for ways to to do things for myself I noticed that my town’s adult education program was offering a course on dating. This seemed like just the thing I needed to push me into the world of dating. I have to admit that I have dabbled with online dating, but have had less than stellar results for a multitude of reasons (most of which are my own fault).  So I went to this class for two nights and learned quite a bit. I learned of the many singles events that are offered in my area, how to write a dating profile and many little tricks that will come in handy.

I entered the class with a silent commentary running through my head I’m 30-years-old, divorced, a single mom of two young children, no man is going to want to date me. When I had finished the class that commentary had been replaced  with I’m 30-years old, I’m beautiful, and intelligent, an excellent mother. Who wouldn’t want to date me?

Most importantly, I realized that the key to dating is as simple as being confident in yourself.

I still haven’t had my first date, but I’m working on it.

The Longest Summer

The last month as been interminable. Cutie was done with preschool the first week in June. I work at her preschool, so I was done with work then as well.  Since then it has been one rainy day after another.  For 3 weeks it was just the 2 of us, while Sweetie finished up Kindergarten. I had no idea how exhausting entertaining one 3-year old would be.  But since last week I’ve had both girls on my own and it’s been even more exhausting.

This year instead of spending an arm and a leg on Summer Camp I chose to get a pool membership (which was equally as expensive).  I’m heartily regretting this decision because the pool has been open for 2 weeks and so far there have only been 2 days that the weather has permitted us to go.

I’m running out of ways to entertain my children in the rain. It seems like most rainy day activities = spending lots of money. Since I’m a teacher and have no income during the summer months,  spending money is something I’m trying not to do.

Today is another rainy day and I am at the end of my rope.   I really wish that I had a family member nearby who could lend a hand because I could really use a break.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow night when the girls will be with a sitter while I head to my class.

How do you entertain your children on rainy summer days?

I’m still here… really!

It seems that I have been sorely neglecting this blog. I don’t have any very good excuses. I was very busy for awhile, but things have come to a screeching halt now that school and work are done.

The biggest news around here is that I completed my master’s degree! I have begun looking for a full-time teaching job.  This is going to be an uphill battle given the state of the economy. One of the towns in my neck of the woods just announced that they are laying off 136 teachers this year. That definitely does not bode well for my job search. In the meantime I have a back up gig at my daughter’s preschool that could turn into something permanent. Time will tell.

My lovely ladies are flourishing. The little one will be finishing up her first year of preschool next week and the older one will be finishing Kindergarten. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I will be the mother of a first grader. Where does the time go?

Now that school and work are on hold for awhile I need to start focusing on me. Next month will mark the 3-year-mark of single motherhood for me.  While in some ways I’ve made great strides,  in others I seem to be stuck. Namely, my social life.  When you have 2 young children having your own life is difficult. When you have two young children and you’re a single mother with very little support it becomes nearly impossible.

I love my children so very much. They are my greatest joy, without a doubt. But being completely and utterly devoted to them is burning me out.  I need something for myself.  My mother’s graduation gift to me was a check, with a note attached that suggested I use it to pay a babysitter so that I can get out by myself occasionally. At first I thought to myself…  yeah right, that money is going to straight into my savings account . I have given it more thought and realized that I owe this to myself. I need to do something for myself before I completely lose myself.

So I started perusing the Adult ed. classes that are offered in my town. There are few that have piqued my interested. I lined up a babysitter, and I am going to do this. I need to do this.

This summer is going to be pretty low key for us. The girls aren’t going to camp and I’m not working. Our days will be spent either pool side, at the playground or on any random adventure. But in the evenings, after they are tucked in bed, I will finally be making some time for me.

Is it Spring yet?

I am so over winter. It has me really depressed. I just can’t seem to be happy when the weather is so miserable.  Even when we do have a (very rare!) warmer day we can’t really enjoy it because the ground is covered with snow and ice.

Also, the lack of sex is starting to make me a little bit crazy. It’s been a long, long time. A long time, people.  It’s doing funny things to my brain.  For the past 3 nights I have dreamed of having sex with my neighbor.  Which is bad because he has a girlfriend and clearly has no interest in me at all.  He also isn’t my type.

Other than that things here are good. Girls are doing great. Both happy and smart. Which, of course, makes me very happy and proud.

I started the very last class for my Master’s last week. It feels so good to know that the end is a few short months away.  When I think back it’s hard to believe I made it this far.  Sometimes I truly wonder how I did it.

When I grow up…

The other day Sweetie told me that when she grows up she wants to be divorced and have two daughters.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

On one hand, I am flattered that she thinks I am so great that she wants to be just like me. On the other, well, I don’t want her to be divorced!

I gently explained to her that divorce isn’t something people aspire towards. I had facts to back this up, but to be honest I completely forget what they were!

I wish that I could guarantee to her that she will marry the perfect man and live happily ever after. I grew up believing just that; divorce and single motherhood weren’t even in the realm of possibilities.

While our situation may not be ideal at least I know that my daughters are aware of both the good and the bad things that life has to offer.

I grew up sheltered and protected from anything unpleasant and, as a result, made some pretty bad choice because I didn’t realize where those choices could lead me.

I don’t want my daughters to grow up to be just like me, but I am flattered that they admire me enough to want to be like me. I must be doing something right.

Love, Hope & Joy

This past weekend my family gathered to celebrate the lives of my grandparents. 3 years ago my grandfather passed away. It was my grandparents wish that when they passed away their remains would be cremated and there be no funeral services or memorial.

When my grandfather passed away I was 6 weeks postpartum and a newly single mother of 2 very young children. I was in the midst of my own personal tragedy and  didn’t have the time or energy to grieve. This is something that has haunted me since that time.

My grandparents were married for 55 years. When my grandfather passed away a piece of my grandmother died. She was already living with a terminal illness, but amazingly found joy and strength in her final years.  I am thankful that she lived to meet both of my daughters and that in August we spent a very special week with her.  I know that her last memories of myself and my children are fond ones.

On December 14, 2008 she passed away peacefully.  She had been hanging on for days. Just minutes before she passed away a picture of her and my grandfather was placed in front of her. It is my greatest hope that they are now together again.

This weekend we came together and grieved as a family.  We spread their ashes (that had been mixed together)  in a beautiful place and all saught to find closure.  We celebrated their amazing lives and the huge impact that they had on all of us.

I will miss them immensely  for the rest of my life.  But the memories I have of them will live on forever.

My 2 Favorite Girls and Me

Hoping you all had a Happy Holiday! We spent ours surrounded by the people we love the most. You can’t ask for more than that!

Snow Balled

My grandma passed away last Sunday. I started writing a post about it, but I am having a difficult time finding the words. I will finish it when I can.

Things have not been going my way lately. It has literally been one thing after another. I am hoping that this week will be much better.  As a result, my bitterness is rearing its ugly head. I am trying to be positive, but it’s hard when it seems like the whole world is out to get you.

It has been snowing here for 3 days. We have gotten quite a bit of snow and been snow bound for most of the weekend. We did venture out to rent some movies yesterday. I thought the roads would be fairly clean;  I was surprised by how messy they still were. Another storm hit today and we haven’t left the house. Well, the girls did want to play in the snow but that lasted for about 5 minutes before they were freezing and crying to go back inside.
I am glad that I have 2 little girls who are happy to entertain themselves and have very vivid imaginations. Yesterday, they turned their Anywhere Chairs into Swan Boats. They then lined up the kitchen chairs and had a train. That kept them occupied for awhile! Today, they put on their bathing suits and used a virtually every blanket in the house to make their very own pool.

We have spent a lot of time baking and decorating cookies too.

I am wondering if school will be canceled tomorrow. I am hoping not.  I think 4 days of this would be a bit much

I am starting to go  stir crazy, but at least I am stuck at home with my 2 favorite people!!

This was supposed to be my weekend “off” and I had big plans to wrap up my Christmas shopping and get ready for the coming, very busy, week. My dad, brother, mom and step-dad will all be here!   But my ex bailed so I am way behind on everything. My dad and bro will arrive tomorrow; I will be up late cleaning tonight.

Forcing Holiday Cheer

I am so not in the holiday spirit this year. I feel like a big old scrooge. I have only bought presents for my children (who really don’t need one more toy, but what can ya do??).  My family members aren’t getting a single thing from moi.  A while back Oprah had a special deal with Shutterfly where you could get  a photo book for free. I made one for my mom, so I guess that’ll be her Christmas present.

Yesterday, my mom called to tell me that she is in Florida.  My grandma has gotten much worse. It looks like she will pass soon.  I want to jump on the next plane to Florida.  Unfortunately, I just can’t.  I really wish I could.  I am so glad that I was able to spend time with her in August when she could still enjoy our company.  I know that spending time with her great granddaughters was definitely a bright spot for her.

My mom has assured me that she doesn’t need or want me there, which has alleviated my guilt, but I still wish I could be there to say goodbye.

This weekend is my weekend with the girls. I am bound and determined to make it a cheerfully festive weekend. We are going to bake Christmas cookies and have lots ‘o fun.  Today we got our tree and decorated it. It’s amazing to see the delight in their eyes. I can remember so clearly feeling that way myself as a child.

At the end of the day

At the end of the day the children are tucked safely into their beds, their bedtimes stories have been told, and they’ve been given lots of kisses and hugs. They drift quietly to sleep and I drift downstairs to clean the last of the dishes, wipe down the counters and put away the stray toys that litter the living room.

At the end of the day I am alone. There is no one to discuss the news of the day with, no one to tell cute stories to about the girls’ triumphs and challenges, no one to remark to about the falling price of gas or the fact that the new recipe I tried was a success.

At the end of the day there is just me, rambling around in a too quiet house wondering how I got to be here in the first place.