When I picked up Sweetie from school the other day it was barely 20 degrees outside. The school is a short walk from our house, but 20 degree is cold no matter how short the walk is. Cutie was sitting in the stroller all bundled up with a hat, mittens and ensconced in a fleece blanket. We got to the school and I began chatting with another mom. We commiserated about the brutal winter we’ve been having and how cold it was that day. Then she said to me, “Where is your hat?” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s at home… I’m always at the bottom of the list.”
Afterward it occurred to me just how true that statement is. I consistently put my children first; I once thought that this made me a better mom, but truthfully it makes me neglectful of myself. I’m teaching my children that my own needs are unimportant. What kind of an example does that set for them? Not a good one.
I need to find a balance where I can meet their needs while also meeting my own. When I first became a single mom pushing aside my own needs was a way to save time and energy. I had two small children that required the majority of my attention. So I skipped meals and gave all of myself to them. Since then I’ve gotten a better handle on juggling everything, but I still push my needs aside. I don’t eat balanced meals and don’t take good care of myself in general. It’s not good for them and it’s not good for me.
So my question is how do you keep from putting yourself at the bottom of the list? What do you do to take care of yourself when your children are consistently zapping all of your energy? How do you honor yourself as a single mom?
I need to figure this out because I can’t go on this way. It’s not good for me and it’s not good for them. I’m running out of steam and it’s my own fault. I need to take care of myself because, truth be told, no one else will.
I want (and need) to find a balance between being a mom and being a woman so that I’m not always at the bottom of the list — because I deserve more than that and so do my kids.
Finding that balance is ever so difficult. Littlemans almost always comes first…but up until the past year or so, he ALWAYS came first. I’m finding that he’s taking on some more independance and building some fabulous character ever since I’ve put myself first on the odd occasion….
I’d love to see anyone’s answer to this! I struggle with similiar issues…
Thanks for your blog entry, thought provoking. I posted a similar question on my Facebook (I asked for specific details about how you take care of yourself), which I got some responses that were very broad, no real details. I have 2 boys (6 and close 3 y.o.) and you are right that everything, EVERYTHING is done in preparation for them. One of the things I’ve implemented in getting them in the car and making sure I have everything in my bag for the day is to get them buckled in the car in the garage and I do a sweep of the house before I get in the car and leave. So I’m grabbing my lunch, my papers, my journal, my coat and scarf, whatever I need for the the day. I’ve had too many days of not having what I need at work because I left it at home. Sticky reminder notes help too.
As for meals and eating the right food and not their leftoevers, I sit to eat with them and worry about the kitchen after we are done. So I serve all of our plates at the same time. I don’t let them eat my fruit! I put a gallon of water on the countertop just about everyday and I announce that we have to drink it all today. Of course I’m drinking the most, so it’s really my visual.
I’m getting showers with the bathroom door closed. That quiet, steam room is great for closing my eyes and saying a prayer or two.
I can walk the track at the gym and they are sometimes trailing me or running ahead. This is 1 day a week thing on the weekend, it’s hard to get this time. I’m trying to walk 30 minutes every other day at work.
I try to stay strict with the routine. I’m trying to get in the bed about an hour after them. I really need 7 hours of sleep, so I’m in the bed around 10ish. That amount of sleep makes or breaks my mood for a day. If I don’t get some consistent sleep, my energy is zapped like you said and then I completely ignore me and work to keep them on task.
I can’t wait for the warm weather. We’ll be back outside. I’m trying to find one of the bike hitch trailer things because my 2 y.o. has gotten to heave to fit in the little seat!
tell me about it. my kids come first but sometimes I just want to do my thing. it’s always about balance. I’ll tell ya, I try not to feel guilty when I go do something for myself, even if it’s lying around in bed all day with J.
Up until recently I was running myself ragged with the effort put Kaleb first and all of my wants and needs on the back burner.
I’ve come to the conclusion that ignoring myself completely is not making me a better mother. For awhile there, it was making me no less loving but definitely more a little more resentful.
Taking a few minutes to yourself at the beginning of the day to make sure you have everything you need helps. Giving yourself a few minutes of quiet time in another room while the kiddos are entertaining helps. And if you do have nearby help, getting someone to come over (or let you drop off) and spend some time with the kids while you go out and do something strictly for you will definitely help.
I hope you find your balance. Mine is definitely a work in progress.
For me it’s a constant struggle to find that balance between myself and my kids.
I keep reminding myself that by taking care of myself in healthy ways, I am setting a good example for my girls so that THEY will in turn be able to take care of THEMselves when they’re at that point in their lives, too.
Being neglectful of ourselves isn’t good for anyone.
Great post.