Perfume Power

For Christmas this year my mom gave me perfume.  I found it to be a strange gift, because rarely do I wear perfume. But then she explained it to me;  when she first started dating again after her divorce she wore this very same perfume.  She told me that it’s been 3 years (almost) and that it is time for me to put myself back out there again. I have been hesitant to return to the dating scene, but I think she may be right.  At the very least, I need to go out and have some fun.   I need to remember that I am not just a mother, I am also a woman and a person who deserves to be happy and not always cater to others.  (this is hard for me)

I’ve been feeling increasingly sad lately and while I think it is OK to feel this way sometimes I know that I need to break out of this pattern and start living a happier life.

I am hoping that 2009 will be a year of self-discovery for me.  I need to find more balance in my life,  something that is sadly lacking right now.   I also need to learn to have fun apart from my children and find ways to make myself happy.  I know that this will not be easy for me; I will dedicate this year to Me and I will be a better mom as a result.

After my mom left, I sprayed the perfume on my wrist and realized that it smells just like her — she forgot to mention that she still wears it.  While I like the idea of Perfume Power I need to find my very own perfume that uniquely represents ME.

My 2 Favorite Girls and Me

Hoping you all had a Happy Holiday! We spent ours surrounded by the people we love the most. You can’t ask for more than that!

Snow Balled

My grandma passed away last Sunday. I started writing a post about it, but I am having a difficult time finding the words. I will finish it when I can.

Things have not been going my way lately. It has literally been one thing after another. I am hoping that this week will be much better.  As a result, my bitterness is rearing its ugly head. I am trying to be positive, but it’s hard when it seems like the whole world is out to get you.

It has been snowing here for 3 days. We have gotten quite a bit of snow and been snow bound for most of the weekend. We did venture out to rent some movies yesterday. I thought the roads would be fairly clean;  I was surprised by how messy they still were. Another storm hit today and we haven’t left the house. Well, the girls did want to play in the snow but that lasted for about 5 minutes before they were freezing and crying to go back inside.
I am glad that I have 2 little girls who are happy to entertain themselves and have very vivid imaginations. Yesterday, they turned their Anywhere Chairs into Swan Boats. They then lined up the kitchen chairs and had a train. That kept them occupied for awhile! Today, they put on their bathing suits and used a virtually every blanket in the house to make their very own pool.

We have spent a lot of time baking and decorating cookies too.

I am wondering if school will be canceled tomorrow. I am hoping not.  I think 4 days of this would be a bit much

I am starting to go  stir crazy, but at least I am stuck at home with my 2 favorite people!!

This was supposed to be my weekend “off” and I had big plans to wrap up my Christmas shopping and get ready for the coming, very busy, week. My dad, brother, mom and step-dad will all be here!   But my ex bailed so I am way behind on everything. My dad and bro will arrive tomorrow; I will be up late cleaning tonight.

How do I handle this?

Sweetie is becoming increasingly uninterested in seeing her father.  She used to count down the days to see him.  Now she begs me to not have to spend the night at his apartment.  I can’t figure out what the issue is. He is a good dad, he really, really tries.  He isn’t as reliable as I am or as hands on.  Sweetie is starting to recognize that dad is all fun and games, but when it comes down to it mom is the one she can always rely on.  Today she even went as far as to tell me that she does not like her dad. That caught me off guard.

Our Christmas visitation schedule has us sharing Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He will have the girls this year from Christmas Eve until 1pm Christmas Day. Then I will have them for the remainder of the day.  I started talking to the girls about this plan about a month ago and they were totally fine with it. They were excited to be able to celebrate Christmas with both of us and both of their extended families.

In the last few weeks Sweetie has began to indicate displeasure with this arrangement.  She has started saying that she does not want to spend Christmas Eve with Dad and just wants to stay at home with Mom.  I have consistently repeated to her what the plan is and have not given her any reason to believe it might change.

I am hectically planning Christmas. My brother and dad are going to be here and I am making plans for what we will do Christmas Eve, while the girls are with their dad.   Sweetie is over hearing this and has decided that she does not want to go to be with Dad on Christmas Eve. She wants to stay at home with Mom.   I told her that she gets to spend Christmas with both Mom and Dad.  My dad and brother are coming on Monday so she will have 2 days with them before she goes off with her dad.

Tonight while I was putting her to bed she told me, once again,  that she does not want to spend Christmas Eve with her dad. She wants to spend it with her family and it’s not fair that she can’t.  She then began crying. I explained to her, for the fifth time,  that she will be able to spend the holiday with both of her families. But she didn’t seem to care.

It breaks my heart that she is in this position. I hate that she feels torn between two  families. I feel like I do everything I can to make our visitation arrangement seamless.   There’s only so much I can do and it kills me that I have put her in this position that causes her so much pain.

It’s strange because my ex-in-laws are overly indulgent and shower the kids with gifts. You would  think she’d wanna ditch me all together and spend the rest of her life with them.  But that is definitely not the case.  I think she is beginning to see through their act.

How do I handle this? I really have no idea.

Forcing Holiday Cheer

I am so not in the holiday spirit this year. I feel like a big old scrooge. I have only bought presents for my children (who really don’t need one more toy, but what can ya do??).  My family members aren’t getting a single thing from moi.  A while back Oprah had a special deal with Shutterfly where you could get  a photo book for free. I made one for my mom, so I guess that’ll be her Christmas present.

Yesterday, my mom called to tell me that she is in Florida.  My grandma has gotten much worse. It looks like she will pass soon.  I want to jump on the next plane to Florida.  Unfortunately, I just can’t.  I really wish I could.  I am so glad that I was able to spend time with her in August when she could still enjoy our company.  I know that spending time with her great granddaughters was definitely a bright spot for her.

My mom has assured me that she doesn’t need or want me there, which has alleviated my guilt, but I still wish I could be there to say goodbye.

This weekend is my weekend with the girls. I am bound and determined to make it a cheerfully festive weekend. We are going to bake Christmas cookies and have lots ‘o fun.  Today we got our tree and decorated it. It’s amazing to see the delight in their eyes. I can remember so clearly feeling that way myself as a child.

A Christmas Tree Quandary

When I was a kid every year at Christmas my parents would take my brother and I to a Christmas tree farm where we would cut down our very own tree. Some of my best childhood memories are of these outings.  We would spend   what felt like hours (but was probably less than an hour) picking out a tree–  it had to be perfect. I remember feeling so proud of the perfect tree we had picked out.

Picking out a tree (and bringing it home!) as a single parent is challenging. For the past two years I’ve picked out the tree when the girls were with their dad and we have decorated it together when they returned home. This year I had visions of us cutting down our very own tree as a family. I even found a list of Christmas tree farms in our area.

I would really love for them to be part of the tree picking out process, but it is complicated.  How can I juggle two kids and a tree?  I don’t really think I can.  Cutting down our own tree is definitely out of the question.  I’ve thought of asking my ex to help out, but I really hate asking him for anything.

It frustrates me because I want so much for my children, but my single parent status (coupled with the fact that my family is hundreds of miles away) limits what I am realistically capable of.

This year I’ll probably choose the tree on my own, once again. Maybe next year when they are  a  little bit older I’ll be able to swing a family outing to pick out a Christmas tree.

We will definitely be decorating the tree together and that’ll be fun indeed!

Brighter Days

I’m feeling better. I often feel guilty for having woe is me days. It’s been 2+ years since my ex and I split, shouldn’t I be used to this already?  Obviously, it’s not that simple or easy.

Some days I just need to have a good cry, feel sorry for myself, and wallow in it.   My life didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to; I made some bad choices that lead me to where I am today.  I feel guilty about that, but I’ve realized that there is no use crying over spilt milk.  What’s done is done and I can’t change it.  As hard as this path has been I have grown enormously, I have learned so much about myself and for that I am grateful.  Positive effect of divorce, I suppose.

Now I need to find a way to make the situation better, learn from my mistakes, and move on towards happier times.

I’ve decided to throw in the towel for online dating. It’s just not going to work for me. I am not that eager to meet a man. Maybe at some point in the future I’ll re-visit it.  For now I am going to focus on increasing my social network (which is disturbingly slim right now) and try to  enjoy my life the way it is.

It is so hard to make new friends as an adult (especially as an adult who happens to be a single parent). I have joined Meetup.com and will be giving that venue a try.

Of course, life continues to throw me curve balls.  Tonight I discovered that the girls and I have an uninvited pet — a mouse.  I am so disgusted by mice.   But I will handle this, just like I handle every other challenge that comes my way…

[I am having difficult getting accustomed to the new wordpress dashboard so that will explain any strange occurences on my blog! Or the fact that you left me a comment and it took me ages to approve it. ]

Black Hole

I don’t know what my problem is.  Suddenly I feel as if I’ve fallen into a black hole and can’t seem to climb my way out of it.

I think it’s a mixture of holiday blues and life stress.  I hate having to share my children over the holidays.

I am finding myself desperately lonely.  I have signed up for a few online dating sites, but so far the responses have been abysmal.  I think I might be better off single… Last night, I even posted a personal ad. on craigslist. Oh.my.goodness. The responses were frightening!!

What do you do to pull yourself up again when you are feeling down? I’m at a loss…

At the end of the day

At the end of the day the children are tucked safely into their beds, their bedtimes stories have been told, and they’ve been given lots of kisses and hugs. They drift quietly to sleep and I drift downstairs to clean the last of the dishes, wipe down the counters and put away the stray toys that litter the living room.

At the end of the day I am alone. There is no one to discuss the news of the day with, no one to tell cute stories to about the girls’ triumphs and challenges, no one to remark to about the falling price of gas or the fact that the new recipe I tried was a success.

At the end of the day there is just me, rambling around in a too quiet house wondering how I got to be here in the first place.

What makes a family?

My ex and I have been separated since before our oldest daughter turned three.  At that time she had very little understanding of what was happening to our family. She knew that daddy didn’t live with us anymore and that she missed him, but beyond that she didn’t really get it at all. She is now 5, and it hasn’t been until recently that she has started asking more sophisticated questions about divorce.  Explaining divorce to young children is so difficult.  It’s even more difficult to answer all of their (often complicated!) questions about divorce.  Sometimes I am amazed by the things she comes up with.

The latest difficulty we’ve had has been defining our family.  In my eyes my family includes myself and the two girls.  My daughters both think that their family includes their mom, dad and each other.  While we were once a family, we no longer are and I don’t feel comfortable allowing them to believe that we still are.  I have gently reminded them that mommy and daddy are divorced and that they have 2 families. I think it is hard for them to grasp this concept because it is contrary to everything they see and know regarding families.

It’s obvious that they want us to still be a typical family. My oldest daughter is constantly asking if we can do things with dad as a family and sometimes we do.  But my ex consistently misconstrues these outings and they always lead to problems.   As a result I’ve put an end to them. I feel bad, but it was really the only option.  

I wish I knew the best way to handle these situations. For now, I’m not pressing the issue. As they get older it will become more clear to them that mom & dad are not in the same family.