I pride myself on being a strong and independent woman. I’ve endured a lot over the past 4 years and my strength has allowed me to get through it all with grace and dignity.
For the last year of my marriage I couldn’t really depend on my husband. I didn’t trust him and he was not supportive of me at all. I was a single parent long before I officially became one. I did what needed to be done so that our children were happy, healthy and well-adjusted without much help from him at all. In retrospect, had he been a more interactive parent it would have made becoming a single parent more difficult. The only thing that really changed after he moved out was that I had to take the trash out… (well, that and the fact that he wasn’t constantly nagging me to have sex with him anymore. At that point, I had so little respect for him that having sex with him was not something I wanted to do — AT ALL).
I’ve gotten used to doing it all, both emotionally and physically. I do what needs to be done and that’s all there is to it. But it’s really starting to wear me out. It would be nice to have someone to lean on once in awhile, someone who I can depend on and rely on, who isn’t ME. It’s not really something that I think about too often on a conscious level.
Last night, I had a dream. When I woke up from that dream I was sad that it was over. I dreamt that I was in love with a wonderful man who supported me and respected me. A man who I could count on unconditionally to be there for me. A man who would alleviate some of the burden that is always on my shoulders. It felt good, SO GOOD.
I was sad when I woke up because it occured to me that all this time I had been missing this and didn’t even realize it. I don’t need to be rescued, but it sure would be nice to have someone there to catch me when I fall.
