Single Mommy Friends Needed

After 3 years as a single mother I still struggle daily with the balance between being a good mother and being good to myself.  This is particularly challenging as the single mother of 2 young children with very little outside support.  My children rely on my 100% which leaves very little time or energy for other endeavors.  One of the many things that has fallen to the wayside is building new friendships with other single mothers. All of my closest friends are married. While they are great friends, who I can often rely on in a pinch, they don’t understand what my life is like or just how difficult it is to raise two children on my own. They don’t understand my loneliness at the end of the day or how stressful it is to bear the burden for every decision without having another adult to consult with. I find myself feeling increasingly spiteful and bitter towards these friends because they just don’t get it. It’s certainly not their fault. It’s hard to image what life as a single mother is like until you’ve actually lived it. When a well intentioned married friend likens her experiences to mine – it doesn’t help – it hurts. While I know she isn’t trying to hurt me, I also know that this is why I need to build friendships with other single mothers.

Since becoming a single mother I have tried and tried again to build friendships with other single mothers, but my efforts always seem to fall short. Building new friendships as an adult is hard enough, but trying to become friends with a particular set of people makes it even more difficult. Add into the mix the fact that single parents lead busy lives and generally spread themselves thin and you are really facing a big challenge.

Yesterday, I posted and ad on craigslist for a babysitter (so I can go out by myself once in a while!) and received a response from a single mom in my town, with 2 girls similar in age to mine.  She wasn’t interested in the position once she learned that it would not be enough hours for her, but I extended a friendly hand in the hopes of establishing a friendship. She never responded, but at least I tried.  It’s situations like this that frustrate me. I know there are other single mothers out there who are in similar positions. I just don’t know how to find them.

Dating 101

Sunday marked the 3-year anniversary of the day I filed for divorce. In those 3 years I have grown tremendously; I completed a master’s degree and began a career in my chosen field, all while single handedly caring for two young children.  I have no family in this area and very little support. When I need a break I have to hire a babysitter, which is an extravagance that I can’t afford very often.

As a result of this, my dating life has been non-existent.  For most of the past 3 years dating has been the last thing on my mind. I’ve been busy and tired. Far too many other things were going on for me to even think about dating or the fact that I was lonely. Now that the pace of my life has slowed down a bit, I have realized that having someone to share things with would be nice. I miss being in a relationship, and I’d like to be in one again.

I got married when I was 22. I met my ex when I was in college. I have never dated as an adult. I don’t know the first thing about dating or about dating as a single mom.

While looking for ways to to do things for myself I noticed that my town’s adult education program was offering a course on dating. This seemed like just the thing I needed to push me into the world of dating. I have to admit that I have dabbled with online dating, but have had less than stellar results for a multitude of reasons (most of which are my own fault).  So I went to this class for two nights and learned quite a bit. I learned of the many singles events that are offered in my area, how to write a dating profile and many little tricks that will come in handy.

I entered the class with a silent commentary running through my head I’m 30-years-old, divorced, a single mom of two young children, no man is going to want to date me. When I had finished the class that commentary had been replaced  with I’m 30-years old, I’m beautiful, and intelligent, an excellent mother. Who wouldn’t want to date me?

Most importantly, I realized that the key to dating is as simple as being confident in yourself.

I still haven’t had my first date, but I’m working on it.

The Longest Summer

The last month as been interminable. Cutie was done with preschool the first week in June. I work at her preschool, so I was done with work then as well.  Since then it has been one rainy day after another.  For 3 weeks it was just the 2 of us, while Sweetie finished up Kindergarten. I had no idea how exhausting entertaining one 3-year old would be.  But since last week I’ve had both girls on my own and it’s been even more exhausting.

This year instead of spending an arm and a leg on Summer Camp I chose to get a pool membership (which was equally as expensive).  I’m heartily regretting this decision because the pool has been open for 2 weeks and so far there have only been 2 days that the weather has permitted us to go.

I’m running out of ways to entertain my children in the rain. It seems like most rainy day activities = spending lots of money. Since I’m a teacher and have no income during the summer months,  spending money is something I’m trying not to do.

Today is another rainy day and I am at the end of my rope.   I really wish that I had a family member nearby who could lend a hand because I could really use a break.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow night when the girls will be with a sitter while I head to my class.

How do you entertain your children on rainy summer days?

Push It.

I have a bad habit of getting to a place in my life that is good — not great — but good and just sticking there because it’s easier than pushing forward to the next level. I become complacent. Then I become unhappy because I realize I’ve become complacent and that my life can be so much better than it is.

I rarely get kid free weekends, but when I do I am so exhausted that I frequently do absolutely nothing (well, aside from cleaning the house and grocery shopping).   As a result, I am becoming increasingly despondent about the state of my life.   I have not been on a date since splitting with my ex 3-years ago. How sad is that?  I need to push myself to get out there and live my life rather than letting life pass me by.

I adore the time I have with my children, but I’d also like to enjoy the time that I have without them.

In my last post, I mentioned making an effort to make more time for me. So I am doing that.  I have signed up to take 3 different courses through my town’s adult education program.  This is sorta a huge step for me. I lined up a babysitter and I’m all set to go.

I do still need to find a way to fill up my kid free weekends, but I’m working on that too.

I’ll write about the courses I’m taking soon… They start next week!

I’m still here… really!

It seems that I have been sorely neglecting this blog. I don’t have any very good excuses. I was very busy for awhile, but things have come to a screeching halt now that school and work are done.

The biggest news around here is that I completed my master’s degree! I have begun looking for a full-time teaching job.  This is going to be an uphill battle given the state of the economy. One of the towns in my neck of the woods just announced that they are laying off 136 teachers this year. That definitely does not bode well for my job search. In the meantime I have a back up gig at my daughter’s preschool that could turn into something permanent. Time will tell.

My lovely ladies are flourishing. The little one will be finishing up her first year of preschool next week and the older one will be finishing Kindergarten. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I will be the mother of a first grader. Where does the time go?

Now that school and work are on hold for awhile I need to start focusing on me. Next month will mark the 3-year-mark of single motherhood for me.  While in some ways I’ve made great strides,  in others I seem to be stuck. Namely, my social life.  When you have 2 young children having your own life is difficult. When you have two young children and you’re a single mother with very little support it becomes nearly impossible.

I love my children so very much. They are my greatest joy, without a doubt. But being completely and utterly devoted to them is burning me out.  I need something for myself.  My mother’s graduation gift to me was a check, with a note attached that suggested I use it to pay a babysitter so that I can get out by myself occasionally. At first I thought to myself…  yeah right, that money is going to straight into my savings account . I have given it more thought and realized that I owe this to myself. I need to do something for myself before I completely lose myself.

So I started perusing the Adult ed. classes that are offered in my town. There are few that have piqued my interested. I lined up a babysitter, and I am going to do this. I need to do this.

This summer is going to be pretty low key for us. The girls aren’t going to camp and I’m not working. Our days will be spent either pool side, at the playground or on any random adventure. But in the evenings, after they are tucked in bed, I will finally be making some time for me.

At the bottom of the list

When I picked up Sweetie from school the other day it was barely 20 degrees outside. The school is a short walk from our house, but 20 degree is cold no matter how short the walk is. Cutie was sitting in the stroller all bundled up with a hat, mittens and ensconced in a fleece blanket. We got to the school and I began chatting with another mom. We commiserated about the brutal winter we’ve been having and how cold it was that day. Then she said to me, “Where is your hat?” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s at home… I’m always at the bottom of the list.”

Afterward it occurred to me just how true that statement is. I consistently put my children first; I once thought that this made me a better mom, but truthfully it makes me neglectful of myself. I’m teaching my children that my own needs are unimportant. What kind of an example does that set for them? Not a good one.

I need to find a balance where I can meet their needs while also meeting my own. When I first became a single mom pushing aside my own needs was a way to save time and energy. I had two small children that required the majority of my attention. So I skipped meals and gave all of myself to them. Since then I’ve gotten a better handle on juggling everything, but I still push my needs aside. I don’t eat balanced meals and don’t take good care of myself in general. It’s not good for them and it’s not good for me.

So my question is how do you keep from putting yourself at the bottom of the list? What do you do to take care of yourself when your children are consistently zapping all of your energy? How do you honor yourself as a single mom?

I need to figure this out because I can’t go on this way. It’s not good for me and it’s not good for them. I’m running out of steam and it’s my own fault. I need to take care of myself because, truth be told, no one else will.

I want (and need) to find a balance between being a mom and being a woman so that I’m not always at the bottom of the list — because I deserve more than that and so do my kids.

Is it Spring yet?

I am so over winter. It has me really depressed. I just can’t seem to be happy when the weather is so miserable.  Even when we do have a (very rare!) warmer day we can’t really enjoy it because the ground is covered with snow and ice.

Also, the lack of sex is starting to make me a little bit crazy. It’s been a long, long time. A long time, people.  It’s doing funny things to my brain.  For the past 3 nights I have dreamed of having sex with my neighbor.  Which is bad because he has a girlfriend and clearly has no interest in me at all.  He also isn’t my type.

Other than that things here are good. Girls are doing great. Both happy and smart. Which, of course, makes me very happy and proud.

I started the very last class for my Master’s last week. It feels so good to know that the end is a few short months away.  When I think back it’s hard to believe I made it this far.  Sometimes I truly wonder how I did it.

When I grow up…

The other day Sweetie told me that when she grows up she wants to be divorced and have two daughters.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

On one hand, I am flattered that she thinks I am so great that she wants to be just like me. On the other, well, I don’t want her to be divorced!

I gently explained to her that divorce isn’t something people aspire towards. I had facts to back this up, but to be honest I completely forget what they were!

I wish that I could guarantee to her that she will marry the perfect man and live happily ever after. I grew up believing just that; divorce and single motherhood weren’t even in the realm of possibilities.

While our situation may not be ideal at least I know that my daughters are aware of both the good and the bad things that life has to offer.

I grew up sheltered and protected from anything unpleasant and, as a result, made some pretty bad choice because I didn’t realize where those choices could lead me.

I don’t want my daughters to grow up to be just like me, but I am flattered that they admire me enough to want to be like me. I must be doing something right.

Love, Hope & Joy

This past weekend my family gathered to celebrate the lives of my grandparents. 3 years ago my grandfather passed away. It was my grandparents wish that when they passed away their remains would be cremated and there be no funeral services or memorial.

When my grandfather passed away I was 6 weeks postpartum and a newly single mother of 2 very young children. I was in the midst of my own personal tragedy and  didn’t have the time or energy to grieve. This is something that has haunted me since that time.

My grandparents were married for 55 years. When my grandfather passed away a piece of my grandmother died. She was already living with a terminal illness, but amazingly found joy and strength in her final years.  I am thankful that she lived to meet both of my daughters and that in August we spent a very special week with her.  I know that her last memories of myself and my children are fond ones.

On December 14, 2008 she passed away peacefully.  She had been hanging on for days. Just minutes before she passed away a picture of her and my grandfather was placed in front of her. It is my greatest hope that they are now together again.

This weekend we came together and grieved as a family.  We spread their ashes (that had been mixed together)  in a beautiful place and all saught to find closure.  We celebrated their amazing lives and the huge impact that they had on all of us.

I will miss them immensely  for the rest of my life.  But the memories I have of them will live on forever.

Perfume Power

For Christmas this year my mom gave me perfume.  I found it to be a strange gift, because rarely do I wear perfume. But then she explained it to me;  when she first started dating again after her divorce she wore this very same perfume.  She told me that it’s been 3 years (almost) and that it is time for me to put myself back out there again. I have been hesitant to return to the dating scene, but I think she may be right.  At the very least, I need to go out and have some fun.   I need to remember that I am not just a mother, I am also a woman and a person who deserves to be happy and not always cater to others.  (this is hard for me)

I’ve been feeling increasingly sad lately and while I think it is OK to feel this way sometimes I know that I need to break out of this pattern and start living a happier life.

I am hoping that 2009 will be a year of self-discovery for me.  I need to find more balance in my life,  something that is sadly lacking right now.   I also need to learn to have fun apart from my children and find ways to make myself happy.  I know that this will not be easy for me; I will dedicate this year to Me and I will be a better mom as a result.

After my mom left, I sprayed the perfume on my wrist and realized that it smells just like her — she forgot to mention that she still wears it.  While I like the idea of Perfume Power I need to find my very own perfume that uniquely represents ME.